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It is the part of us that can delay gratification…the part that can make the sacrifices necessary to reach our long-term goals...it's self control.
It is also the part of us that can define the results we want and respond in ways that are more likely to produce that result.
Another way to put it is that it gives you the ability to act with the wisdom of hindsight in the present moment.
The tool that I am going to share with you is particularly helpful with anger management, but you can apply it with any emotion.
Stop-think-choose is this tool. By using this tool, you will make the following a habit:
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Stop-Think-Choose
The purpose of this tool is to crate a new habit. A habit of self control. Just like learning to drive a car, it will be slow and conscious in the beginning. However, later on it will become second nature and it will become your default way of thinking.
When To Use This Self Control Tool
Anytime you experience a negative emotion. In other words, any time you experience an emotion that’s not positive or neutral.Of course you need to be aware of your emotions in the moment. Without that, you will not be able to use this self control tool effectively. Read this article on how to make emotional awareness a habit.
Most of us go through life unaware of our emotions. We just act on them. This is why some people struggle with self control and anger management.
| If we can get to a stage where we can delay our behaviors after we experience an emotion, we will have more time to think how we should act to get the long-term results. |
If recognizing your emotions don’t come naturally to you yet, don’t beat yourself up about it. You can use this tool to reflect on situations where you didn’t act the way you should.
The very fact that you recognize that you behaved on instinct and emotion is a step in the right direction. It’s the first step to self awareness. Don’t beat yourself up about it. Rather congratulate yourself for it.
Step 1: Stop!
Yes, just stop. Don’t act. This may sound very simple, but it is the cornerstone of self control.| The reason why it is so difficult is that we sometimes act instinctively on certain emotions. It’s a habit that is formed over years. If we experience anger, we want to fight and scream. If we experience fear, we want to avoid and run way. |
Again, you will see that it is vitally important to become aware of your emotions.
Anytime we intervene in our thinking to calm down, it’s usually a good idea. Getting calm is often the most important part of this process.
Anger, fear and worry along with other strong negative emotions are vitally important emotions. The problem is, however, that it often blocks our ability to think clearly.
“Stop” helps us to get to calm.
Breathe
Emotions drive our behavior from the inside, but we respond on the outside.| Therefore, a good start is to change the outside response and let it flow to the inside. We can’t control what we feel. What we can control is how we respond to it. |
The best way to do this is to take a couple of deep breaths. It is more difficult to panic or to get upset if we are consciously trying to relax.
Disconnect physically from the situation, event or stimulus that provoked you.
First, get yourself physically in control.
Center
Check your posture. Are you scrunched up, waiting to be attacked? Are you coiled, ready to strike out in anger? Are your jaws and hands clenched?Sit or stand up straight. Unclench whatever is clenched up.
In martial arts, they teach you to center. Stand up straight, bend your knees slightly and put your focus on your center of gravity.
Observe
Get some distance from yourself and the situation and observe. Try to see the whole picture.What is really going on that is influencing your feelings? Why are you upset? When did you begin to notice that you were more depressed than usual? What was happening?
Just the fact that you've stopped prevented you from not acting in any way that you might regret later.
Step 2: Think
Now that you are calm, you can check your thinking.What are you thinking about? How are you interpreting the event?
The important thing is to think what you are thinking about. Challenge your current flow of thinking. See the big picture. Think outside the box...no even better, through the box away. Ask yourself the following three questions.
| Question1: What am I telling myself, making up or believing, that is causing my feelings? |
Am I making anything up that’s not based on facts?
For example. You have just received feedback from a staff survey and they say that you should be more involved.
What are you making up? “I will never be good at managing people” or “They just want to make me look bad in front of senior management”
Challenge these thinking. What are you telling yourself that’s causing the negative emotions?
| Question 2: What are the objective data? What are the facts? |
In the above-mentioned example, the facts might be that the company ran an employee survey. You got very good results, but the one thing that were mentioned was that they want you to be more involved.
Anything else is made up. It’s not based on objective data.
| Question 3: Is there any other possible interpretations? |
Look for any other interpretation of the event than the one that’s causing the negative emotions.
Look for one that’s closer to objective reality.
To use the above-mentioned example again. Maybe the staff values me as leader, but they just want more interaction from me. Maybe they want it because of the fact that they value me.
Step 3: Choose
Ask the following questions:
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Get the answer and then put it to action.
Let’s take the example above again. “I want to be a respected and good manager. I am going to sit down with my employees and ask them what they think I can do to be more involved.
This way, I will know what to change and I can start the process with an activity of involvement.
Fake It Until You Make It
This self control tool will not feel natural and easy at first. Remember, you are trying to learn a new habit here.It will feel awkward.
Practice the process. Initially with past events. Then with events as they happen. It WILL become a habit if you stick to it.
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