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Social Skills

Social skills are the fifth pillar of emotional intelligence. It is basically the art of building and maintaining relationships. (Click here for tools to boost your EQ)

This is not simply being nice. It is the ability to build important relationships.

People with high emotional intelligence are able to be comfortable and to make others comfortable in a variety of situations…from the school board to the company boardroom to the factory floor.

Having the ability to communicate effectively (making requests instead of complaining) and being able to refrain from perpetrating are two essential social skills that will help you build relationships.

Social Skills 1: Turning Complaints into Requests

Behind every complaint, there is a request. Let’s look at what a complaint and a request is

Complaint: It is a statement of displeasure, annoyance, pain, etc. that tends to produce defensiveness or confrontation in the other person.

Request: A statement of a desired result that is specific, actionable, behavioral, observable and concrete.

Whenever you catch yourself making a complaint to another person, stop and ask yourself, “what is the request behind my complaint?’

In other words, what is it that you would like to be different about the situation?

Requests work best if you tell the individual exactly the actions and behaviors that you want from them.

But, just because you make a request, doesn’t mean that it will always be fulfilled. The purpose of a request is not to get other people to do what you want.

That can often be the outcome, but the real purpose is to create more proactive and accountable communication…an important social skill.

By turning a complaint into a request, you reduce the potential tension in a situation. You engage the other person from a more neutral place, because you are making a specific request to which the other person can choose to respond. And most importantly you develop your social skills.

Requests need to be:

Specific and concrete (what, by when, where, how)

Actionable (within the person’s sphere of control/influence)

Observable (others will know when the request has been fulfilled)

Examples of complaints and requests:

COMPLAINT: You are always late for meetings.
REQUEST: I would appreciate it if you can be on time for meetings.

COMPLAINT: I can never trust you.
REQUEST: I’ve heard a couple of times that you have spoken to others about me. My request is that you come to me first if you are upset about something.

COMPLAINT: You’re driving too fast.
REQUEST: My request is that you slow down to 50 mph, because I am uncomfortable with how fast you are driving.

COMPLAINT: You are very inconsiderate person.
REQUEST: Would you please let me finish speaking before you begin to respond.

Useful lines to start a request may include:

"I would appreciate it if you would…”

“My request to you is…”

“It would support me best if you could…”

Now, do the following:

Write down a complaint that you have about someone.

Turn the complaint into a request.

Take the request to a person, other than the person with whom you have the complaint.

Explain the situation (without using names) and ask if you can “try out” your request.

State the request.

Ask for feedback on how well you stated the request.

Once you have fine tuned your request, take it to the person with whom you have the complaint.

You will know you have written a specific, objective, actionable request if the other person doesn’t get judgmental, defensive or angry. However, sometimes (doesn’t matter what you do) the other person will still respond in these ways.

In making a request, it is important to focus on (and be clear) about what you want vs. what you don’t want. For example, “Don’t yell at me” is not as helpful as “When you’re angry at me, I would appreciate if you pull me aside and tell me why you are angry in private”

And a last piece of advice: Focus on the problem you are trying to solve. If you are unable to make a request, ask yourself, “What is the problem we are trying to solve here?” Focus on the problem, not the person. It will go a long way to develop your social skills.

Social Skills 2: Stop Perpetrations

Definition: A perpetration is a thought or action directed towards another person or group that damages their character or their “aliveness” (Their ability to be openly received by others)

Nothing can sink a team faster than communications designed to undermine an individual or the whole team.

In short, a perpetration is going behind people’s backs and says something about them that we wouldn’t want them to know we said.

It’s not just gossip…it is the rumours, backstabbing and the general company politics.

You know it is a perpetration when:

You wouldn’t want them to know you are saying or doing it.

You wouldn’t say it to their face.

You feel embarrassed around the person after the perpetration.

Nothing is solved. No issue has been addressed.

We all do it from time to time, and we’ve all been a victim of it as well.

The reason we perpetrate is that most of us don’t have the courage to go to the person and talk directly to them.

Often, we don’t believe we have the skill to communicate in a productive way…a way that won’t produce defensiveness. So we get relief by venting to someone else, and we never take action to solve the problem.

These perpetrations can become a nasty habit. If you want to stop doing it, you will need to practice a new habit that gives you different results.

Try the following:

Think about two people against whom you have perpetrated in the last month.

Ask yourself what you’ve gained or accomplished by perpetrating and what you’ve lost or sacrificed by doing so.

Think about what you’ve said about that person. Where you complaining? If so, translate your complaint into a request that you could deliver to that person.

If you want your employees or your team to stop perpetrations and the office politics ask each individual to do the following:

Understand what perpetrations are.

Commit to not initiating or passing on perpetrations.

Challenge yourself about what you get out of perpetrating.

Don’t silently take part: Challenge rumors, stop gossip, take your issues directly to the people concerned.

Social Skills 3: Stop Zingers

A very passive form of perpetrations are “Zingers” It’s quick witted jokes, often funny, and usually said at someone else’s expense. Zingers are classic “trustbusters”. It is a way to perpetrate against others while looking funny and trying to gain support for yourself. Not great social skills.

So, minimally, think before you “zing” and even better, especially if you are a manager, supervisor or leader, stop it altogether.

Venting and Spewing

OK, after all said and done, it’s difficult to be perfect. We are all just FHB’s (Fallible Human Beings).

Sometimes, we all just want to VENT. We want to release! But how and where can we do it?

I recommend that you vent outside of the work environment with someone who will keep it confidential.

And here’s a final tip: Tell the person that you’re just venting. They don’t have to solve any problems for you, although help in sorting out the problem and issues is always welcome.

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Wondering Who I am?

Hi, my name is Derik Mocke, The Energizer.
I like to describe myself as an energetic, purpose driven, educated, present moment, emotionally aware, fun loving professional life coach, group coach, motivator, father and marathon runner.
My life purpose is to help people, groups and companies to find their energy and zest for life.
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